What does a healthy relationship with success look like?
This is part 2 of 3 in a series on debunking myths about our relationship to success.
Last week we looked at the common advice, “Don’t compare yourself to others.”
We learned that comparison is a natural human instinct, and discussed what to do when it inevitably comes up.
Read here if you missed it.
This week, we’re talking about the other side of comparison: what others think of us.
Myth 1 (last week): Don’t compare yourself to others.
Myth 2 (today): You shouldn’t care what others think.
Myth 3 (next week): Define success for yourself.
Series in a (poetic) nutshell— To be without success is to be free. To be without failure is to be enchanted. Become enchanted and free. Let each action bring you closer to the untamable present. Exchange striving for sweet effort.
When plotting your life direction, common advice says it’s better not to care what others think.
Individualistic narratives like these appeal to Western minds like mine and probably yours.
There’s merit to this line of thinking, especially if you’re making most of your decisions based on how you think others will perceive you.
Too much focus on other people’s opinions will likely lead to a life that feels devoid of deeper meaning and fulfillment.
But what if you think you’re heading in the right direction and someone with a different vantage point can see a giant iceberg heading your way?
Taking other people’s perspectives into account offers more information than if we made decisions solely based on our own perception.
Consider the following visual.
Other people see things you don’t, and vice versa.
When in balance, caring about what other people think can help you see into your blind spots and stay in touch with the evolving world.
What you see and what others see both involve some amount of observed, direct experience grounded in what’s really going on.
We also all entertain ideas, fears, and beliefs that have very real emotions attached to them but that aren’t fully grounded in reality.
When you take other people’s perspectives in, you’re getting both their useful observations and their imagined fears, misguided beliefs, and other less-than-helpful influences.
So how do we sift out the useful information and leave the rest?
One place to start is to look at the tone with which you’re relating to others.
It’s important to note whether you’re interested in what others think or whether you worry what they think.
The first is rooted in curiosity; the second in fear.
One leads to an upward spiral of learning and engagement, while the other leads to unsatisfying cycles of image management and people pleasing.
The next chart plots different outcomes of worrying versus taking interest in other people’s perspectives.
The outcomes are arranged along an axis showing orientation towards others or towards oneself.
When people say you shouldn’t care what others think, they’re referring to the bottom half of the chart.
If you worry about how people see you, that will likely lead you to image management and people pleasing, both of which are ultimately unfulfilling.
If you take an interest in what others think and then discern what’s best, you move towards the top half of the chart: personal growth and wider contribution.
I’ll go into a deeper discussion of this chart in a bonus post next week. I have a lot to say about all four topics and want to keep today’s post focused.
The key takeaway from today is to stay engaged with what others think, using discernment instead of rejecting or accepting their opinions instinctively.
When taking an interest in other people’s perspectives, start with an open mind. Then discern whether to adopt, adapt, or let go of their perspective.
But how do we discern what’s true and what’s useful? And how do we start with an open mind?
Those are huge questions I’m exploring every day. I may write more on these topics if there’s interest.
For now, the best summary I can offer is this:
Do the best you can with the tools you have available.
I’m working on my toolbox. I hope this post fits into yours.
Even if you find balance in your approach to what others think, you might still face your own unyielding standards.
Have you ever had a thought that if you don’t do some particular thing by some particular time, you’ll be a failure?
Next week we’re talking about inner measures of success as we explore and debunk another common piece of advice: “Define success for yourself.”
Did you like this post? It would mean the world to me if you shared it. I put a lot of time, energy, and thinking into writing and would be thrilled for this labor of love to reach more people.