[pt 1] Myth: Don’t compare yourself to others.
Is life sweeter off the treadmill? Debunking "success" series
Debunking “success”—a three part series
In this series, we’ll be looking at common advice meant to help people feel better about themselves in relationship to the concept of success.
These three pieces of advice are well-meaning and can be useful. But they all miss some important considerations that might be pointing you in the wrong direction.
Myth 1: Don’t compare yourself to others.
Myth 2: You shouldn’t care what others think.
Myth 3: Define success for yourself.
Series in a (poetic) nutshell—
To be without success is to be free. To be without failure is to be enchanted. Become enchanted and free. Let each action bring you closer to the untamable present. Exchange striving for sweet effort.
Permission to let go of this advice:
“Don’t compare yourself to others!”
When talking of success, sometimes people tell you to focus on your own journey and let go of comparison.
Sounds nice, and there are ways in which this perspective is useful. But is it really possible not to compare?
Let’s debunk.
I was recently reminded that no matter how critical I am of narrow definitions of success, I’m not immune to the trap of comparison. In fact, I don’t think anyone fully is.
Why do we compare?
According to Social Comparison Theory,
Comparing ourselves to each other is a natural human behavior that has evolved to help us live together as a cohesive group, to help us learn from one another, and to keep us from falling too far behind our potential. (Source)
Keeping a thumb on the pulse of the world serves a purpose.
We don’t exist in isolation, and knowing how we contribute to the whole is an important aspect of living with other humans.
But most of us aren’t comparing ourselves to a small and tight-knit community and working to ensure we do our part to fill the winter food reserves.
These days our comparisons often don’t connect us to a sense of purpose and belonging. They instead push us towards individualism and loneliness.
We’re prone to compare ourselves to anyone who tumbles across our social feed. We judge ourselves against their wealth, beauty, wits, creativity and career accomplishments, or lack thereof.
If you’re like me, it’s not the influencers with private jets and head to toe Chanel that have you doubting your success. Aside from perhaps the painful days of middle school I’ve never aspired for those things, so I don’t feel bad about myself when I see someone who has them.
It’s trickier seeing someone I once considered a peer accomplish things a younger version of me would have dreamed to achieve. To be honest, it stings.
There’s useful information in the sting of comparison.
Looking at the emotions tied to comparison, you might find clarity around an aspiration you have.
You might also find bottled up grief over dreams that slipped out of reach. Grief waiting to be felt and released.
Grief isn’t a fun emotion. To soften our grief, there’s a tendency to justify where we ended up in comparison to someone else.
Maybe we faced a particular barrier the other person didn’t face, or we followed our heart and it led us in a different direction, or we tell ourselves that the person we became has a lot to offer so it’s okay we didn’t accomplish what that other person did.
All these things may be true and they might be useful perspectives.
But if we run to these stories without looking more deeply, they become justifications—attempts to craft a narrative to escape a feeling of discomfort.
We start glossing over our disappointment.
Bypassing, if you will.
By turning away from the discomfort we feel when we compare ourselves to others, we miss an opportunity to look into the deeper questions at stake.
Questions like…
To what extent am I making conscious decisions in my life, and to what extent am I getting tossed around by circumstances and habits?
Who am I beyond social constructs? Beyond preferences?
Who is alive in this body? Is any aspect of me constant?
What is this life, and am I living it right?
When I compared myself to someone recently, I felt grief for life paths I didn’t take.
I care deeply about being of service, so when I saw this person being of service in a particular way I once imagined for myself, my self-doubt activated.
Am I not doing enough? Why didn’t I do the things this other person did? Am I not good enough? Not smart enough? Not ambitious enough?
I’ve been processing elements of my story that have felt out of my control, specifically traumatic incidents that dramatically impacted the trajectory of my 20s.
This grief I feel points at huge loss. Thousands of versions of my life that could have been. Contributions I could have made if I’d ended up in those alternate versions of my life. Anger at the thought that someone took those options away from me.
I also see a thread from those paths alive in my life today.
The underlying impulse to be of service continues, though the form that service takes is vastly different than I imagined it would be because I am vastly different than I imagined I’d be.
Life unfolds unexpectedly, but we’re not powerless. An aspiration, if held strongly enough, will bubble back up to the surface no matter where we end up.
Do your comparisons remind you of a deep aspiration you hold?
Consider the people you perceive as successful in ways you are not.
What is it about their life you feel is lacking in yours? Is that element truly lacking, or has it transformed into a new form?
If it’s lacking, is there something you need to do to bring more of that element into your life?
If it’s been transformed, is there something you can do to honor any grief you may feel and build appreciation for the new forms it’s taking?
Comparison is an invitation into deeper relationship with yourself.
Instead of trying (and most likely failing) to stop comparing yourself to others, simply notice when comparison comes up.
As needed, grieve the person you thought you would be, consider who you might still become, and most importantly, embrace who you are right now.
With care,
Olivia
Next week we’ll consider the other side of comparison: the opinions others have of us.
Myth 2: “You shouldn’t care what others think.”
You belong to a world with people in it, and they matter to you.
Is it really best to cut yourself off from others and ignore their perspectives?
Is there a more fulfilling approach?
“At 30, Abigail Bruley Forgot Who She Was—Then She Became Someone New"
Abigail Bruley’s severe and unexpected brain injury demonstrates how uncontrollable events can take us way off our planned trajectory. They might even prompt us to completely overhaul how we think and act. How do we reconcile what’s left?
Bruley forgot who she was. When she arrived home from the hospital, everything was unfamiliar. What is the identity of this person with this name and this apartment? she remembers thinking. Who chose this haircut?
…
“I most likely think vastly differently [from before],” Bruley says. “But setting back to zero—fading back in from black—means a natural revealing of reality as it is, a close-up of truths.”
…
“There’s a reason why you are how you are,” she says. “Don’t give yourself a hard time about anything. Because it all really leads back to something tangible.”
For her, it leads back to a left turn she hoped might save some time but that ultimately saved her life. This is why she is how she is, and maybe, if you change some of the details, it’s why I am how I am, or you are how you are. We could spend our time sifting through the particulars, assigning blame or regretting things didn’t turn out differently, but Bruley thinks we’d do better to look ahead. Be soft. Write new stories.
Read the full article by Haley Nehman
Examining your shadows
I was recently a guest on a podcast for the first time ever. This moment represents a shift away from a strong habit I’ve had of hiding from the world. Celebrating that!
In the pod we talk about stepping into new versions of yourself, metaphorical underworld journeys, and whether we come into this world with a set purpose.. Listen below on Spotify, or follow this link to choose your favorite podcast app.
Speaking of podcasts, I shared an audio version of a previous article but Substack didn’t provide any analytics. Did anyone listen? Do you like that format? Thinking about doing more audio and would love to hear from you.